"Let It Out."
Scaling the ladder can be an exercise in repression. It’s one of the reasons Susanne and I jumped ship and started Honor Code. With all the politics, you often have to hold your tongue, pick your spots, and parse the way you ask a question with the care of a neurosurgeon. It can be exhausting!
But the time we’re living in right now might just be second to none when it comes to keeping things inside. We can’t burst into tears when we’re overwhelmed - with our kid at a computer right there. We can’t scream mid-meeting at the irrelevance of all of it when Black lives are being lost in front of our eyes. We can’t opt out of a day full of Zoom meetings because we’re worried about our parents getting COVID. Not when we’re the primary provider.
So we keep it in. And maybe you’re thinking, “well work always means keeping some emotions inside.”That’s life.” Sure. But right now we’ve all been doing it for a long time. A longgggggg time. Maybe longer than ever before.
Yes, it’s a big deal.
According to Marilyn Newman LICSW, a therapist and executive coach in Wayland, a lot’s at stake if we keep it up. In addition to what popped into my head (heart disease, headaches, snapping at loved ones) she calls out “depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse and addiction, back problems, hypertension, irritable bowel syndrome, eating disorders, insomnia, compulsive shopping, compulsive exercising.” Wow. (And hmmm, compulsive shopping?) Oh, and let’s not forget: “Chronic stress affects the body’s immune system and leaves one more vulnerable to disease of all kinds.”
Be aware. Be very aware.
So you know all the problems. And I’ll be on Instagram @honorcodecreative all month with ideas around how we can all “let it out.” But Newman suggests that all progress hinges on one thing. “The key is simple; not easy, but simple, and sometimes life-saving,” she says. “It is self-awareness. If you allow yourself to look honestly at your feelings and try to accept them and understand them rather than deny, avoid or bury them, they can be a resource for you; an emotional roadmap to help you recognize what you truly want and then figure out what to do or not do about them.”
After splitting from my first husband, I had a therapist who taught me something really valuable. That I would live with sadness. Without trying to ditch it (going out, shopping, drinking, etc.) but instead, calmly accepting it. So I started this practice of walking around my house when I was alone and blue, and saying, “Okay, Rach, that’s sorrow. And it’s ok. It’s evidence that you’re human and everything is working as it should.” It made me feel less afraid of it.
“Denying feelings only postpones this recognition and acceptance,” Newman says. “And leaves you in the difficult position of being controlled by strong emotions which you don’t understand, it’s akin to walking around wearing a blindfold.”
Recognize your feelings by looking for signs in your body (stomach clenching stress, jaw-throbbing anger). I do get that cliché lump in my throat when I’m sad. Sometimes I notice the feelings in the way I overreact to something small. Getting pissed because my son won’t use a plate to eat a sandwich is a sign I’m actually angry about other, bigger things.
K. I’m falling apart. Now what?
“Once you become aware and accepting of your feelings,” says Newman, “you can make choices as to how you want to manage them; you can choose to act on them or not; talk to a friend or therapist about them. Journaling, meditating, analyzing, confronting, sharing.” Ok, you say, but these feelings (fear is another biggie) are bubbling up at work. “If you are in a work environment,” Newman says, “you may need to delay dealing with it directly in the moment, but that is a conscious choice, a strategy, which is not the same as sweeping them under the rug.”
What can you do to work around work? I used to go on a morning or afternoon crying walk, where I’d put sad songs on and walk and cry for an hour. Who cares if someone looks at you? Another friend does a sad movie on a weekend day with a box of tissues, knowing she plans to let.it.out. One of my favorite ways to deal with anger, especially during a workday, is to text a forever friend. It always starts the same: “I hate everyone. Go.” We have an understanding that it’s a no holds barred vent that can go back and forth all day whenever we have breaks. And always ends in “Thank G for you!” with a great sense of relief.
How about exercise? Endorphins and all? “Walking is good; speed walking and timing yourself and turning it into a competition with yourself is not,” says Newman. “I recommend doing something you love each day, such as reading, listening to music, gardening. But not as a competition, and not compulsively.”
Take a breath. Actually.
I’ve also been turning to what Newman calls “one of the most effective ways to reduce stress.” It’s breathing. “It costs nothing; you can do it anywhere or any time; and you are always doing it anyway, so you might as well take advantage of it,” she says. “All you have to do is to listen to it and pay attention. It can work wonders; it slows the heart rate; it can lower blood pressure. Ten minutes of it can relax you leaving you feeling relaxed and rested. Doing this simple exercise twice a day can literally change your perspective and your life.”
Honestly, I used to think the whole conscious breathing thing was overrated. Hippie dippy. But I don’t anymore. I generally don’t do it for ten minutes, more like 2. But I do feel the effects. I think of it as a mini spa I get between meetings and before bed, and I just close my eyes and drag a deep, long breath in, focusing on my belly rising and falling, and then let it out slowly while lowering my shoulders. At the very least it buys me some time not to yell about something dumb like eating a sandwich without a plate when I’m actually afraid about where the country is going or if he’ll actually be able to go to college.
Got any #letitout ideas? Would love to hear them here or on insta @honorcodecreative