Sunday gut check. Are you being bullied at work?
Don’t let some monster shut you down at work. Photo by HCC staff @epmphotography.
#Sundayscaries are one thing. But #Sundayterrors are another. If around 3PM your stomach starts to seize up, maybe the reason is workplace bullying.
Bullying isn’t just for kids. Adults are better at it. And the workplace (aka the grownup version of school) too often makes the perfect breeding ground for this kind of regression.
This Inc. article lays out work bullying really clearly. It often takes the form of the “passive-aggressive and covert” stuff like “negative gossip, negative joking at someone’s expense, sarcasm … mimicking to ridicule, deliberately causing embarrassment and insecurity, the invisible treatment, social exclusion, professional isolation, and deliberately sabotaging someone’s well-being, happiness, and success.”
It may also be more tangible/material: “When the bully uses power or position (I’m your boss) to control the victim” or verbal “anything from ‘teasing’ to threats to gossip to sexist language. These bullies use their words to torment.”
Super senior creatives, especially, can be bullies. I’m not sure why. I don’t know whether someone made them feel it was ok because they were creative (She’s quirky; she’s just not good at the soft skills.) and talented (so, we’ll let it go). But it’s not worth it. Plenty of killer creatives aren’t bullies. Yet I’ve worked in places where creative leads made team members cry on the job and experience extreme anxiety.
At the (non-creative) leadership level, leaders may reinforce the behavior by elevating/rewarding those creatives and/or failing to address it. Or they may be bullies themselves.
“Do you play favorites? Intimidate and threaten? Do you talk about one of your employees’ faults with a different employee? Do you betray confidences? Then you’re part of the problem.” says Inc.
Leaders who bully may do it for a bunch of reasons, but almost always the result is an eroding of employees’ sense of self and all that comes with it. “Most organizations spend far more time focused on generating external value than they do attending to people’s internal sense of value,” says this Harvard Business Review article. “The irony is that ignoring people’s internal experience leads them to spend more energy defending their value, leaving them less energy to create value.”
Even when you’re not the one being bullied, the whole vibe sucks. Being in a meeting where a leader is tearing someone down yet again (that would be the “deliberately causing embarrassment and insecurity” piece) is uncomfortable and unproductive.
If you’re the bully, don’t decide that it’s just part of your personality, everyone has their flaws, etc. (That’s your “inner lawyer” talking. Fire her.) Instead, get a coach and work on it. Do it because the internet has made your reputation available for anyone to see on Glassdoor and loads of other places. Do it because churn costs you money. But more than that do it because you don’t want to be that fourth grade asshole.
If you’re being bullied, it’s either unlivable or on it’s way to being unlivable. Here are some suggestions for how to get out of it.
Say something in the moment. It’s hard. And use with caution. But sometimes a bully stops when you stand up to them, even a little. And it can feel really good. The key is to be totally even, calm and audible. What you actually say is crucial — it has to sound like you. And don’t make it a joke, which puts you on their level and doesn’t help change the behavior. But you could try: “Yikes, that’s unnecessary.” Or “I don’t like that.” “Or “let’s stay on topic.” Or: “That’s not productive.” (A friend once said, in a very straight voice: Why would have to be so unkind?”) You will feel so brave.
Step outside. In the moment, right when it happens, say “excuse me.” And literally step outside. There, take a few deep breaths and come back when you’re ready — without an excuse. You shouldn’t be subjected to bullying. Period full stop. Stepping away is a quiet way to say a lot about your expectations. It also gets you some time and space to gather yourself.
Talk to someone. HR. Or a work mentor. Be unequivocal. I once had a friend who’d say to a street harasser: “That’s harassment. Women don’t like it. So stop.” It worked because she was unequivocal. If you’ve decided to speak up, speak up. It’s not a feeling or an opinion. You’re not “feeling” bullied. You’re being bullied. Try something like “I’m being bullied here. It’s intentional, it’s repeated, and there’s an imbalance of power. I love what we do, but this treatment is eroding my confidence and making me feel sick to my stomach.”
Refuse to work with the person. If you can (even if it seems fairly impossible) state that you can’t work with the bully. Say it really straightforwardly. Suggest someone else you feel comfortable working with or reporting to. (Enough of these requests also will start to say something.)
Plant the seeds of a job search. Say yes to networking opportunities. Gently probe what’s out there. Get your web site or resume together. Why? It’ll make you feel strong and respected. It will help you decide if you’re in the right place.
Quit. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again? Written in a completely different job market. In this gig economy, where everyone wants flexibility and freedom, it’s hard for companies who want good full-time hires. Sure no one is irreplaceable, but a full timer holds power and generally has options. If you’re being bullied at work, it’s ok to quit if you want to. You’ll say to yourself that you shouldn’t have to, that the bully should leave. And you’re right. But you don’t have a duty to right the world’s wrongs. You do have a duty to protect you, and not wake up every day and subject yourself to inhuman treatment.
If you’re a bully, we have coaching, and you’re about to feel sleep better at night and lead a stronger workplace. But more importantly, if you’re being bullied, get in touch if you want to talk it over. We’re here!